I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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