I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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