i need an iv and a liver transplant
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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