They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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