Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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