You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
