I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
