My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
