through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
