Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Randomize
