I just pynch a tree in the face
...so i touched it.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
