Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
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Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
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It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
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