Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
