I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
