There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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