Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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