Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
