Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Enjoy the penises
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
