This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
