I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
im holly from the hills drunk
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
