Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
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your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
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she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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