dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
