Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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