Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
