My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
