I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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