Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
