An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
