Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
