You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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