Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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