and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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