I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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