I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
