I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
