you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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