My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
