it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Randomize
