i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Randomize
