My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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