He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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