Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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