Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
