Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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