Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My vagina is officially offended.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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