woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
