dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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