brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
When did we convert life to cartoon?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
