He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
