I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
