Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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