what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
