Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
