I faked an abortion last night.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
