I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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