i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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