i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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