And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
